tell me if this isnt crazy

For all the riflemen in this country that have been bird hunting for many years or know some one that bird hunts every year, how many times has a shotgun misfired on them, or in better terms not fire when they pulled the trigger. once or twice in all the years they have been shooting shotguns or maby a little more. i am a bird hunter myself and a trap shooter and i have never in my entire life have had one misfire on me or seen someone have one misfire on them. It never really happens, its a rare moment in most cases. well in my own opinion it rarely happens.

It all started around the end of 2006. i was in most eyes a crazy fun loving person that got along with every body. I never sturred up bullshit or brought about drama, even when it was brought about to me i just brushed it away. My whole family is in love with me they wouldn't know what to do without me, well a lot of people wont but you get my drift. I never really got good grades but i have never failed a grade till this year ( my senior year) i will have to go back next year because i got to far behind but i wont give up, thats my motivation.

around august or september my best friend jeremy dropped me as a friend, He was my best friend since like the 8th grade and we all ways hung out smoked pot and partied on the weekends like most teens do these days, only because he found a group of friends that had better bud than i could get and all ways had it. they never failed to be high as hell every day. The one friend out of them named ben was my main target. this kid never failed to piss me off every time i talked to him. he was less of my worries though.

I moved on i surched my self and fixed my self but in reality i never did fix my self. i just moved on to hanging out with another person. Cody would be his name and me and him hit it off like 50 year old friends. Like most my friends he also smoked pot but had more pride towards friends then most kids i new so i gave him my respect and got it back. every day after school i went over to his house about a mile from the school sat on the couch and rolled fatty after fatty. sooner or later his baby brother moved up here never new he even had a brother but there he was just popped up on a rondom day. His name was Devin, he turned out pretty cool. he tought me how to play magic the gathering( bad ass card game with peer strategy). day after day thats all we did play that addictive game and smoked that sweet gonga.

Grades started to drop, started having sex with any girl i thought was easy but still kept my standards. Gave up on wrestling,witch was a big mistake cuz i was good at it. Days just flew buy and was to stoned to catch on. My dad gave up on me but never stopped bitching and drinking so started not going home till i was ready to. I just used him for his ciggs and sometimes a couple of bucks, like every teen. I was failing in life and failing my self as a person. a lot of friends stop talking to me cuz i kept coming to school high. lost my since of humor to any body and became a little asswhole just waiting to get out of school to smoke my next joint.

I give up on things really easy and that sucked for me cuz my whole life was just bein shit out and flushed with no care. I started to hate my self and every body i was around. bacame a really big rebel over every thing. bacame an anarchist witch i dont think ill ever give up cuz for real fuck the government, i be better off living in the forests and hunting and living off the land, plus life would be more interesting if it was that way any way. I just gave up caring for any thing i didnt see the point.

My dad started to catch on what i was doing cuz my excuse was that i was staying after school till 6 every day and told him to pick me up at seven so i would walk back to the school so he wouldnt know but he found out. He started making me stay home and riding the bus home every day.( Ok you got to under stand one thing when i was a 11 my mom left my dad for a woman and moved to louisiana with my two little brothers and my older brother was living with his girlfriend when he turned 15 so i was all buy my self with only a dog to talk to and somtimes talk to my mom when i could borrow some ones phone to call her and i cant stand change at all i figured that out when i tried to move down there when i was 13 but i went from a completly white school with 500 white kids and like 4 black kids to a school in louisiana with over 800 kids and out of all them only thirty white kids. it was crazy. im not racist or any thing i just couldnt take all the white kids acting black down there. i just felt singled out and i wasn't happy so i moved back. but this all hit me like rocks so i have been nothing but depressed most my teen years) He tortured me with his drinking, verbal and physical abuse. i was not human at this time i felt more like i was in prison. low amounts of food. no social unless i was at school so i started to give up.

One night i just gave up every thing nothing mattered to me but my brothers and my mom but after what i went through i couldn't be happy no matter what. I stole my dads 5th of Jim Beam my older brother bought him even though there was only like 5 shots left out of it from the night before that my dad drank to his domb and my dad was passed out coled so it was no problem, just the urge to cut his throat in his sleep was irrisistable but i passed that up. i downed the bottle and i wasn't satisfied so i stumbled to the fridg and stole like 5 beers or somithing like that and drank those.( For the size i was 5'1" and like 100 lbs it was all most a over dose for me plus im a light weight any way so you do the math). i started to cry to myself wondering what i should do and the thought of suicide hit me like a ton of bricks. the first thought i had in my entire life. the only reason i think i thought of it then was because i seen a show about it the night before. My dad had bought me a 12 gage pump 870 youth model. bad ass little shotgun i thought. it had all ready had a 3" buck shot in it so i pumped it and sat it in front of me. i took the safety off and sat there thinking of every bad thought i had thought about for a long period of time and i sat there for like 5 minutes just pondering. i put the barrel under my chin and said my last good buys to my family in a silent way of my choosing. i reached down not knowing the trigger was to far to reach if i wanted to shoot my self in the head from underneath my chin. i reach over to my bow that was sitting about 5 feet from me next to my bed. i grabbed an arrow and stuck it on the trigger. it wasn't a very hairy trigger but it also didnt take to much pressure to pull the trigger eather so i knew it would work. i said my good buys again.

Now you have to under stand right before i put any pressure on the trigger my mind went through every little memory i had, it just sank me deeper cuz thats all my life was. not one happy thought went through my head at all. i felt a sharp pain in my heart and through out my whole body like it knew what was coming. i looked down at the barrel and closed my eyes. i pushed the arrow down....... click.